Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

Reminds me of the Bulwer Lytton awards.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 
4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 
5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 
7. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 
8. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 
9. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 
10. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. ("wont">to have the habit of doing something) 
11. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 
12. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 
13. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. 
14. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 
15. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 
16. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 
17. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 
18. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. 
19. She lumbered into my office like a centipede with 98 broken legs. 

I'll follow up with an ad for that great standard: